Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Duct Tape Anyone??

The hardest part about being the big sister who always took care of the little sister is letting little sis, who is now 28, find her own way. I want so terribly to fix everything and prevent her from making the same errors in life that I did, but I can't. It took her newborn daughter to teach me that as I had read enough baby books on what to do with pushy nosy people who mean well, but make you feel like you have no sense when I was pregnant and post-pregnancy as a new mommy, that I am determined not to be one of those people. It isn't like I know everything, I surely don't, but it is all I can do to just not tell her how to do this that or the other. I'm a handler, that's what I do, I handle things. If it's broken, then I fix it. If can be improved, then I improve it.

Of course, the other hard part is remembering that the child I helped raise and see more as my child than my sister, is not perfect, can be utterly disrespectful and rude and not realize it. I think it is in part due to having to find her own way and not live in big sister's shadow perhaps, I don't know, I am guessing. But then, perhaps too, she lets her guard down and is more her sassy self with me than with anyone else. I know people have told me she was quiet and shy and quite frankly she isn't quiet very much with me, so I don't see that side. I think I see the real side....... It is ironic, that the harder she has tried to find herself, she became more like me and doesn't even see it. We certainly have our differences - she likes conservative and my wedding dress that I had hoped she would want to wear just wasn't her. My train draped on the floor probably 6 feet once it touched the floor. I don't even remember her dress having a train, I don't think it did.........She likes smaller petite jewelry pieces and me? Well, I like them all - from big and chunky to delicate and light. She likes to keep the peace and please folks and after my own childhood - pleasing people is not real high on my agenda. I pretty well promised myself that what went on when I was a child would not happen post 18. She always had the big sister factor to guard her and catch her when she fell, but of course, I wouldn't let her fall. Our family was broken, so I took care of her in ways she'll never know or understand and that's ok. I didn't do it so that she would remember when she was hitting 30. I did it so that her life would be different than mine and it is and that is a good thing. She's a clean freak and I'm the opposite. Her scissors are in the drawer, me - well, I have to look for them. I finally just bought several pair and put them in different drawers. She throws away things and I keep them. She's petite and I'm totally not.

Funny, by doing my best to not give her a bunch of advice on babies, she has asked me more questions and then asked me why I didn't tell her sooner.....................I told our mutual obgyn about that chat and she said that sis wouldn't have listened before she was ready to ask the question anyway.....................

Sometimes a big sister just can't help but trying to find the nearest roll of duct tape and taping her own mouth shut so I don't tell her how to do things. Funny, she doesn't want me to tell her how, but she doesn't want me to let her fall either. What's a gal to do???

Duct tape anyone?

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